Backwards
by Elizaellen
Summary: Moving forward isn't easy when Michaela suddenly finds herself more alone than ever after separating herself from Sully. Sully too finds that life is nearly unbearable without his best friend and woman he loves. This short explores how healing begins afte


Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.

**Backwards**

_This short takes place immediately following Another Woman but before Luck of the Draw._

The sounds of the children playing in the yard drifted in through the open window and she softly smiled trying hard to shed the sadness that had clung to her for the past week. Sorrow hung like a mantle around her neck dragging her down into the murky depths of depression. Desperate to be alone for a few moments, she had taken dinner preparations over from Colleen, sending them all out into the yard with the excuse that she had a headache and needed the quiet. Though her head did ache that hadn't been the real reason for their hasty dismissal.

Different things set her off and today it had been the ride home. There was a brief moment when she caught sight of something or rather someone in the thicket right near the last bend before the homestead. For one fleeting second she had thought it was Sully but when she looked again for confirmation, she saw nothing. The disappointment reminded her that she had not seen him since the day Catherine left, the day she pushed him away. Wiping at a stray tear, she tried to pull herself together, worried that the children would see her like this.

Pulling out the dinner plates, she moved around the table laying them at each place. She repeated the same methodic movements with the forks and knives, her steps halting at the end of the table as she peered down to where Sully normally sat. The chair was pushed in and empty as it had been for just over a week now. Her head turned in the direction of the window, her ears alert to what sounded like his warm deep voice calling to the children. She rushed to the window and peeked out from behind the curtain, only to be disappointed. It wasn't like she really wanted to see him anyway, she told herself.

This was an adjustment- simply an adjustment. She had become accustomed to having him around and she would become accustomed to his absence once again. It would simply take time. Steeling herself against further emotion, she returned to the stove to stir the stew Colleen had prepared. A slightly acrid smell reminded her that she had forgotten about the biscuits. Quickly she pulled them out of the oven, frowning at their black bottoms.

She felt like sitting down and having a good cry but she knew the children would be in soon for supper as the sun's light was already fading. Time she reminded herself - these things took time. When David had died, it took almost six months for her to even feel like smiling again so she couldn't expect to bounce back from Sully in a week. It was only then that it occurred to her the difference between the two situations. David was dead – a memory of the past that she could bury in her mind like she had buried his photograph in her hope chest. Sully was alive and though he kept himself hidden away for the present, it wouldn't always be like this. There would be times when she would see him, times when he would be standing close to her and she would have to put on a façade, bury her emotions deep within her.

Would she let him back into her life? The question had plagued her almost constantly since the last time they had spoken. Truly she wasn't sure what to do. Her heart and mind seemed to conflict on the matter which only made things more confusing. In her heart, she loved him and there was no way to simply extinguish that feeling. In her mind, she weighed the possibility that he could hurt her again and that frightened her more than she was willing to admit.

Walking to the door, she opened it, hoping to distract herself by watching the children until they decided to come inside. Michaela was in no hurry to sit down to dinner, Sully's empty place mocking her all through the meal. Taking a deep breath of the crisp evening air, she closed her eyes willing herself to relax. She gave up almost immediately – even the smell of the evening made her think of him.

* * *

Sully stood a short distance from the homestead, watching the thin curl of smoke that rose from the chimney disappearing into the night sky. Inside, he was sure they were seated around the table, warm and comfortable, with full plates in front of them. There would be laughter and conversation but most of all there would be Michaela. The past week had been torturous but Sully had made himself stay away, trying to give Michaela the distance she needed. 

What was she thinking? Was she sad and upset? Possibly angry now that the initial hurt had passed? Had the sting already ebbed? Did she regret her words to him? All these questions swam in his mind, never leaving him alone. When he lay down at night they haunted him, chasing away his slumber until exhaustion set in and he collapsed in the early morning hours. Yet even when he woke in the morning, the questions returned along with a deep ache to simply see her.

For four days he had stayed away, praying to the spirits for guidance. On the fifth day, he had given into his desire, believing that one glimpse of her would assure him that things would be alright again. There was a thicket near the last bend leading to the homestead. The trees were clumped close together and he would be almost impossible to see. Expertly he scaled the tree he had chosen, perching himself in just the right spot to watch for her. His patience grew thin as his back became stiff from sitting in the same position but in the end it had been worth it.

The wagon rumbled down the road with Michaela on the buckboard. Matthew sat beside her, driving with Colleen and Brian arguing in the back. He barely took note of the children though, his eyes glued to hers for the few brief moments that she was visible. There was no happy countenance or even curious expression. There was no anger playing at the corner of her eyes, no fire radiating from her spirit. True it was still there but hidden as the sun is hidden by clouds on a rainy day. The tired and drawn face stirred his heart as his conscious reminded him again that he had caused this. The mismatched eyes filled with tears that pursued him restlessly even into sleep, now roamed listlessly over the terrain. She didn't even bother to speak to the children about their bickering. Guilt bubbled over in him anew for even if he hadn't meant to, he had hurt her and only now did he understand the depth of that hurt.

Every day he repeated his routine, spending an hour or more perched in the tree for one small glimpse of her. Today she had seen him, of that he was sure. For one split second their eyes had locked before she turned away. He didn't know she looked back for he immediately ducked his head keeping under the cover of the leafy canopy.

When he had left his lean-to this evening, he hadn't planned on coming here. His wish was to find solitude among the trees, a quiet place to sort out the feelings in his heart. Yet meandering had led him here – to her. He couldn't help wondering what would happen if he knocked. Would she turn him away or invite him in for the sake of the children? How would he tell if she wanted to see him or was simply being nice? It would only serve to give him a false hope that things could be mended. The thought of knocking was now repugnant to him and he hastily cast the notion aside.

To his surprise, the front door opened and Sully watched as she stepped out onto the porch, a blue shawl pulled tight around her shoulders. Gently she closed the door behind her and looked up into the night sky. Sully crept closer careful to keep himself hidden in shadow. From here he could see her face better and his heart warmed within him. The moonlight kissed her features making her appear as some terrestrial being that might disappear if he blinked his eyes.

She sighed loudly, lowering herself to sit on the first step of the porch. Sully felt a deep sadness at not being by her side to hold her close or talk about the day. He missed the feel of her head tucked beneath his chin, her breath tickling his skin. Longing to run his fingers through her hair, to breathe in deeply and smell everything that was uniquely her. His heart was beating rapidly within his chest – so rapid that he feared she might hear it. Her head now lolled to the side, resting against the railing, her hands covering the face that invaded his every waking thought. Then he heard it, the low guttural sound of a soul in pain clawing desperately to free itself from this earthly torture. She tried hard to muffle the sounds of her cries but she couldn't mask the pain they carried and Sully heard each and every one.

To him it felt like an eternity before she straightened again, hastily wiping her face with a handkerchief she procured from her pocket. As if she sensed his presence, she looked directly toward him. With searching eyes she combed the area and satisfied that she was alone, she rose. Taking a few steps out into the yard, she crumpled in on herself once again but this time tears did not come. "Oh Sully," she whispered raising her head to the heavens above. "Sully, Sully, Sully…"

He almost stepped out of the darkness to approach her at the first mention of his name. Yet he froze as she continued whispering his name into the night. She wasn't calling for him. He wasn't sure what she was doing. It felt as if she was pushing him away, out of her very being - as if she was exorcising him from her mind and heart. With his own heart breaking, he took a cautious step backwards needing to get away. He hadn't realized that seeing her could be more painful than not seeing her and now he was sorry he had come. After a few more careful steps, he took off running back to the safety of the wilderness, praying for some balm to soothe his troubled heart.

* * *

The days continued to pass, each one longer than the next. The mornings were hard, knowing that before her stretched a day of busy emptiness. The evenings were even harder for then and only then did she give into her emotion. Now she had not seen him in a little over two weeks and she feared that his words about always being there for her had been rescinded. The thought of his lips upon Catherine's still stung deeply. She was sure that if he appeared in front of her that this is what she would remember and so she managed to convince herself it was good that he stayed away. 

There was no denying that the love she felt in her heart for him was as strong as ever but the pain had not dulled enough to let him back in. There were still unsettled thoughts and doubts running through her mind but her heart remained steadfast in its devotion to him. If somehow she could go back to the time before she had let him in – if she could remember how to build the walls so that he could not tumble them quite so easily. Of course that was what she had tried to do these last couple of weeks – shut him out, return to a previous time, go backwards. Logically it seemed possible but recently she had been reminded that the heart wasn't always logical.

Why did everything have to be so confusing? Why couldn't she find a path through all these emotions? It was as if she had lost her way and there was no possible map to return to where she should be. Her mind recalled these words spoken at another time and place. It hurt to think about it for Sully had shared so much of himself that day yet she had a strange feeling that is was a sort of omen. Perhaps the mountain could do the same thing for her. Just maybe she could find her way if she went there. Peace and solitude would give her time to think so even if it was no magical cure, it would be helpful.

After ensuring that Matthew would be around and that Colleen was fine with fixing supper, she headed off through the woods opting to walk rather than ride. She had warned the children not to wait dinner for her, preferring no time constraints on this particular day. She brought nothing with her, wanting no distractions. In her mind, she was positive that this would work, that she would come down with a clarity that she did not currently possess. It seemed hardly any time had passed when she saw the heights before her, strong and majestic. The rise of the slope was gentle and she took her time, not paying attention to the recent tracks along the way.

At the top of the rise, Sully sat on a small boulder, his hands wrapped tightly around his knees as he contemplated his current situation. Seeing her had been hard, harder than he had expected. That was why he continued to stay away. How long would it take before he could see her again and not feel the emptiness that seemed to follow him like a predator? Sully hadn't wanted to accept that she might be unable to let him back into her life. As time continued to drudge on, he knew that it was a possibility he would have to consider. To think of losing her love was hard enough but to lose her completely was devastating. It would be hard to accept she wanted nothing more than friendship but it would be harder to accept that she didn't want him to be part of her life at all. If they could go backwards to that time when though awkward things were unexpressed – hearts were committed to each other yet not bound by actions or words - he could be content with that or at least learn to be content with that.

The sound of footsteps interrupted his thoughts and he turned his head wondering who could possibly be coming. At first he thought his eyes were playing tricks on him. The slender waist, the long fall of hair – was it really her or some strange phantom of his imagination?

Michaela's head was bowed, concentrating on her steps rather than on her surroundings so she had yet to see him. The call of a bird in the distance piqued her curiosity and she looked over to her right. The sun blinded her at that moment and she took one wrong step, stumbling forward over the flat stone on the path before her.

Before she knew what was happening, two strong arms had caught her and set her safely back on her feet. Michaela looked up, her eyes lost in the limpid pools of blue set before her. He was so close and yet so far away. She clung to him for a moment, her legs shaky from her recent spill. Without thinking he leaned in towards her, his lips grazing her cheek. Michaela tensed in his arms pushing at his chest with her free hand. Flustered, he backed off searching her face for anger but found only confusion. "I'm sorry," he offered nervously fidgeting with his hands.

"What are you doing here?" Instantaneously she regretted her accusatory tone. "I mean, I didn't expect to meet anyone today."

"I can leave if ya like." Michaela shook her head in response, words more than she could manage at the moment. "I feel lost," he said in reply to her previous question. "I needed to find my way." He moved a few steps away, his eyes taking in the view as the sun began its slow descent, splashing the world with colorful hues.

Michaela's heart leapt within her and she searched his face trying to understand what his words meant. Did he miss her or was he pining after Catherine? The mere thought of her name shot an icy blast through her body and she turned away from him, determined to not show weakness.

"Why did you come?" he asked, his voice warm and sincere.

For a minute or so, she did not speak but simply stood like stone turned away from him. When she did speak, Sully could hear the tension in her voice. "I felt lost too." A hearty blush swept over her cheeks. Michaela wasn't sure what else to say. Inside her mind tried to make sense of everything that had recently occurred. The choice lay plain before her now but she felt unprepared to chose, wanting more time to think through each possible outcome. The fragile remnants of her heart, delicately pieced back together, were not ready to be broken anew. She wanted to trust him though and her heart was already beginning to, despite her mind's warnings to be cautious. Reaching out towards him tentatively, she laid one hand on his arm to keep him from moving further away.

Sully felt a surge of joy inside as her hand closed around his forearm. The look on her face was pained though and the joy was instantly replaced with worry. "Michaela, I didn't think, I …"

"I've missed you," she whispered, the wind catching her voice so that Sully wasn't even sure he had heard the words correctly. The hope that had been doused moments before sprang back to life as he stilled himself taking deep even breaths to keep from shouting out loud.

"I've missed ya too." The words were beautiful to her ears but somehow not enough. Of course they missed each other. After all, they had become accustomed to sharing their lives. It was only normal that they would miss each other. Missing the other person didn't necessarily mean they belonged together, besides the fact that so much lay between them that they had yet to talk about.

His next words, caught her unaware and she felt her defenses slipping as he spoke. "I didn't realize that I'd miss ya so much." Michaela looked up at him curiously, encouraging Sully to continue. "Ya get used to bein' on you own." He turned looking out over the landscape before them ready to bare his heart despite the fact that he wasn't sure how she would take it. "It's the little things ya know. Sittin' on the porch after dinner, ridin' out to the reservation with ya, eatin' lunch at Graces, takin' walks…" his voice drifted off as he turned to look back at Michaela. "I been tryin' to go back to how my life used to be 'fore I met ya but I can't."

When Sully finished speaking, silence settled between them, thick and tense because neither was sure how to continue. Sully knew if it was up to him, he would take her in his arms, whispering affirmations of his love in her ear, before kissing her deeply. It wasn't up to him though. It was Michaela's move and for the first time in awhile, he found her unreadable. Silently he begged her to say something, anything to let him know she had heard not only his words but his heart.

Michaela's head was turned down once again unwilling to let Sully see the raw emotion playing out across her face. The wind picked up a little and she felt her hair whip around her face as she imagined that it was blowing away the confusion and hurt that still gripped her heart. Or perhaps the hurt had lessened already, only to be replaced by fear – fear of being hurt like that again, fear that perhaps she wasn't what Sully needed.

Sully was truly afraid now. He didn't know if she was simply waiting for him to leave or trying to respond in a way that would let him down easy. Again he clung to the hope that their friendship could continue even if their romance could not. In the deafening silence a new vision came to him though, a vision of her in the arms of another man – his replacement. She was beautiful and it was sure to happen someday and he knew with certainty that he couldn't take that. Assuming the worst, he cursed himself for acting so foolishly with Catherine, he turned to slink away, his head downcast and his heart heavy.

Michaela caught his movement out of the corner of her eye and she knew that if she didn't speak now, she would lose her opportunity. "I've been thinking about that."

Sully stopped and turned back towards her. "You've been thinkin' about what?"

"About going backwards." Her words mystified him but he stood riveted to the spot grateful that she was at least speaking. "I've been trying to remember how things used to be… before we confessed our love. Even then you were a part of our lives, maybe not as often but you were there. And these past few weeks…"

"I've been trying to stay away," he explained. "To give ya space and time to heal. I thought that's want ya wanted."

"That is what I wanted – what I needed." She turned now to look at his face, seeing the hope in his eyes she decided to be completely honest with him. "Things still aren't clear for me Sully. I'm not ready to go forward and pretend like nothing happened. But I can't go backward and forget about you either. I feel frozen in place, unable to move in either direction."

"Me too."

The honesty of his words was comforting and she smiled weakly over at him. "Where do we go from here?"

"I don't know." He gave a shrug of his shoulders trying hard to think of a way to hold her here for a few moments more. "Maybe we could be friends again?"

"I'd like that," she whispered, relief obvious in her voice.

Sully felt his heart lighten at her words. "Good…. good," he replied, a smile spreading across his lips. Again silence settled between them and Sully wondered if she wanted to be left alone. "I can leave," he said again but then quickly added, "or I could walk ya home?"

"Would you… would you walk me home?." Her voice was nervous but he didn't care. All that mattered was that she wanted to be with him. Here at this moment, she wanted him around. They walked side by side as they picked their way across the broad flat area before descending the gentle slope. Neither spoke, each silently reflecting on what had transpired, each hopeful of what was to come. As they picked their way, back through the woods Sully took the lead slightly as the path became too narrow to walk side by side. His arm bumped against Michaela's and their fingers seemed to find each other in the encroaching darkness. He wasn't sure who had made the move to join their hands but that didn't matter. She hadn't pulled away and right now that was the only important thing.

The walk home was over too quickly for Sully's liking. He wanted a few more minutes with her, knowing that she would occupy his every thought when he finally left her side. He was surprised but grateful that she lingered at the bottom of the porch step, her hand still firmly planted in his. From the look on her face, he knew there was something she wanted to say. With his thumb, he gently stroked the back of her hand moving over each knuckle and the valleys in between encouraging her to speak. "Will you come to dinner tomorrow night?"

The words were not profound but they were exactly what he needed to hear. "I'd like that," he returned in imitation of her earlier response.

"Good," she said as she made to turn away from him. Sully reluctantly let go of her hand, letting his fingers linger against his palm for a moment longer than necessary. Their eyes met as the last rays of the sun slipped beneath the horizon and though no words were spoken, a silent understanding was reached. Michaela slipped in the front door and Sully turned back towards the woods but they were both changed. Much still lay between them but each had taken one tiny step forward and somehow they knew they would find their way.

_

* * *

This story is born out of my desire to see their reactions to being apart after Another Woman. By Luck of the Draw they already seem to be friends again and I feel like something should have happened in between. I really only wanted to concentrate on their feelings here so though I had thoughts about the children, I did not include them. I will write another short that will stand between two other episodes probably right before the Abduction that will further explore how their relationship continues to move forward after Catherine. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!!_


End file.
